Old Rolling Stones magazines

I've been up this morning since 5:15 and before that I was up at 2:30 and 4:00 for a half hour each. Just like the good ole days. But this is one of the worst weeks for the to decide to be up all night. We are moving this Saturday and only have a few days left to pack. Thankfully, we have another week to finish the small stuff and clean the apartment. But all the furniture has to be ready to be moved by 9am on Saturday. Why? The pastor's son is getting married at 2:00 and most of the people who've agreed to help are also involved in the wedding. One guy will be driving his "Model A" as the get-a-way car and the last thing I want is for him to hurt is back (he's a small guy) or be late for the pre-wedding photos. Last time, it only took 4 guys about an hour and a half to get all the big furniture moved into the new place. Chad and I moved most of the little boxes ourselves.

I am so proud of him, by the way. He spent much of last night weeding through his old Rolling Stones magazines... it's not as cool as it sounds: they are mostly from the 80's (like the one featuring Tom Hanks in "Big", etc) and maybe only two would be worth anything. I think he kept one of Madonna on the cover, looking all casual. He also went through drawers of video taped hockey games and tossed at least half of them. He said, "tell me again why I have to get rid of these?" and I told him I have no more right to tell him he has to get rid of those than he has a right to tell me to get rid of my old projects, etc. But he knew they were taking up space and that he would probably never look through them again. It just pained him to throw away something he'd spent so much time on... cataloging all those games, etc. He turned to me holding one of them and said, "This one I'm keeping because I was AT this game" and I said, "well of course!!"

I put a tremendous amount of stock in what other people think of me, mainly people close to me... not just anyone. And, even if I know how they feel about me, I put far too much weight on the smallest looks and phrases that I perceive to be negative. If I never ask how a person feels, I am much better off because I rarely get the answer I'm fishing for.

There are times, however, when my own confidence needs a boost and this is something that no one can provide for me in exactly the way I need it. This is when I quit whatever it is I was attempting, be it a lithography class, a day at the office, an evening at the gym, or life in general. I just stop. And I sit. Until I realize that I'm not doing any of these things for anyone but myself. That conclusion is a difficult one for me to reach, though, because I don't care enough about myself to do something just for me. There is always someone else's interests and feelings involved. When those interests and feelings are not met, I fail to see that it's ok to continue on my own, for me... that in fact, I alone may benefit. And that's ok.

Wow, I think I may have done it. I'm feeling a little better for the moment. I just have to remember how I got through college... I was so close to quitting it's not even funny. That accomplishment means more to me than it does to anyone else. No one knows what kind of effort I did or didn't put into each class. And there is no explaining to them just how good I felt when I knew the work was finished.